Puddles, porcelain and pointers

I recently took a blog sabbatical, not because my blogging became too cumbersome, but because my brain turned to mush (think mashed bananas) and not a single creative thought crossed my mind for more than two months.

A glimmer of creativity might, yes might, have returned. The sight of puddles on the sidewalk just gave me hope that winter WILL end, and spring could be just around the corner.

In most U.S. towns, winter lasts four, maybe five months. In the high altitude desert we call home, winter sometimes pushes more than 60% of the year, with two full months of subzero temperatures. After reading a Weather Channel article entitled America's Top 5 Coldest Cities, I was stunned that Gunnison ranked second, losing to Barrow, AK. (Who really considers the Arctic Circle part of the U.S. - no offense Alaska, but I don't think you're playing fair.)

Typically, I love winter. Cross-country skiing, snowboarding, hut trips and snowy hot spring soaks make winter one of the most pleasurable times of the year. This is the second winter in 11 long years that I have despised. The first was the winter of 2007/2008, when I was pregnant with Prestyn. And this year because, yes, once again I'm pregnant.

Normally that shouldn't matter too much. But when all you long to do is make fresh turns in tight trees then hit the lodge for a hot cocktail, pregnancy is there to ruin it! No turns, no long soaks or hot buttered rum. Just constant nausea and countless hours wasted with my head in a barf-splattered toilet bowl.

The stereotypical picture of pregnancy is a woman 40 pounds overweight dipping pickles in a gallon of Rocky Road.

It isn't that magnificent for all women, trust me. I typically lose weight from barfing nonstop for months on end. I've never been thinner! But, when sheer exhaustion and rapid weight loss run together, all you get are two flabby, saggy ass cheeks. I bet the last time I weighed this much, or little, I was 14. And my ass was no doubt perky.

While I try to eat as many calories as possible - I just drank a milk shake, and it's 20 degrees outside - I hope that some of my brain cells will return soon. Last week I cut 13 inches off my hair, and the weight lifted allowed more oxygen to flow to my scalp, thus stimulating my brain to blog. Although the pregnancy stupor will probably last another year or so, here's to hoping that I won't regress past the fifth grade mentality I'm at now.

Friends, please keep your toilet clean in case I come over for a visit.



Pointers: Lessons I've Learned the Hard Way

Best thing to regurgitate: Cinnamon rolls - taste the same coming up as it does going down

Worst thing to regurgitate: Grapefruit or apples - not only does it scorch the esophagus, it makes a hell of a splash (it can't be healthy to get toilet water in your eyes and mouth, even though some of it was previously in your stomach)

Avoid altogether: Vomiting in public restrooms - hey, at home it's your own toilet water in your eyes, no biggie.

Manifesting Spring! Come on, do it with me.