Penny Pinching: How to make money while spending

Staying home is wonderful, horrible, challenging, boring, satisfying, and the best thing you can do for your children. The hardest part of all: affording it.

Going from dual income with no children to single income with two children can be a mind-blowing experience. What the hell did we spend all that money on?

I'm here to spout a few easy tips to make staying at home more cost-effective. Don't get me wrong, I'm broke. But I have figured out how to spend every waking moment with my children (yes, it's as bad as it sounds) and not submerse our home in irrecoverable debt. These are some easy things that everyone can do, whether you are a stay-at-home slave or not.

At the store:
The easiest thing...use coupons, duh! I find myself blocking aisles in the grocery store while I thumb through my binder-clipped strips of printed money. Yes, that's right, they ARE money. If you combine your coupon with a sale deal, you win twice! (It's not rocket science people.) When you sign up for your value card, you give your address. And, creepy as it may be, the store mails you coupons specific to what you buy. (They're the only ones who know how bad our coffee addiction really is.) Our grocery store's website also offers digital coupons that are loaded onto your value card; when you buy the item the coupon is automatically used.

The hardest thing...check your receipt! Not many people do this, but I bet I brought home $200 last year, which I did NOT report to the IRS. You'll be surprised how often something that should have rung up for less didn't. If you take the time to look over your receipt, go back in and point out the error, you may just walk away with $20 in the back of your Levi's. (Yes, the employee who refunds you the money may give you a look of, "really lady, you drug your screaming children back into the store to get your two bucks." Screw his pimply ass.)
City Market (Shitty Mark-up) knows how much they suck at this, so they give you the item for free if it rings up wrong. Unfortunately, if you bought several things that rang up wrong you only get the first one free, and then they just reimburse you the difference. I'd say every other week something is wrong on my receipt. All this takes is simple observation.

When you have a tiny bit of capital....if something you frequently use is on sale, buy more than one! (Duh, again.) My pantry is packed with cereal, pasta sauce, spaghetti and olive oil. If the olive oil is half off, shit, buy 5. Don't forget the family pet either. Our dogs' food was buy 2 bags, get 1 free. I bought 6. Two FREE bags, that's a $100 bucks in free dog food!

At the pump:
Most grocery stores now have a gas pump. City Market is giving one point for every dollar spent in their stores each month; 1000 points adds up to $1 off gas. Not bad if you spend $1000 on groceries each month. We usually average $700 to $800, which equals 70 or 80 cents off gas. Wait till the tank is empty to use those points! (Every other time I fill up, I go to a locally-owned pump. Can't kill the little guy!) And, if you hear on NPR that the price of oil went up, go to the pump if you're out.

At the mall:
Well, we don't have a mall in ol' Gunny. And the two options here I have bad luck with, and can't really afford anyway. The thrift store? Sometimes. (I find they charge entirely too much for some hoochie's Silvers that she wore to the bar, threw up on, then stumbled home in...tripping in the ditch before hitting those stripper boots on the cement path to her bed, which she probably threw up in too.) If you know what fits, and you can't find it locally, search online. Yes, you may strike out a few times, but eventually you'll get it right. (Tip: Don't ebay while intoxicated. It never turns out well.)

Another easy online saving tip is to search for coupons for the site on which you are shopping. I usually find at least a 10% off code for most sites. Some companies are hip to this, and don't offer codes anymore.

And lastly, never buy anything that isn't on sale! (My mother taught me well. Thanks Pam.)

At the butt:
Now that I'm changing diapers again, I'm psyched that I coughed up the money for cloth diapers. I can't imagine spending $20 every week on something I KNOW I WILL BE THROWING AWAY! It pained me every time I threw a dirty diaper in the trash. Luckily that only lasted for two weeks. (That dang umbilical cord just hung on there!) My husband's wallet breathed a sigh of relief when I pulled out the cloth.

A simple diapering pleasure for your baby: cloth wipes. You can make your own or buy pre-made cloth wipes in hemp or fuzzy cotton, and either way you'll save a ton of money. I moisten mine with warm water spiked with a couple drops of tea tree and lavender oil. They smell wonderful and they work much better than pricey disposable wipes, which are treated with who knows what?! We have a wipe warmer to store them in which keeps them the perfect bum-ready temperature.

To save money on cloth diapers, buy seconds! They are typically half the price and often times the blemish is so minor you don't even see it. I mean, come on, your kid is going to crap on it, over and over and over again. Does it really need to be visually perfect?

Amazon Mom Subscribe & Save anyone? An extra 30% off and free two-day shipping, plus you'll send a refill without me reminding you? Don't mind if I do.

At the table:
Another simple thing to loosen the budget belt is buying whole foods and preparing food yourself. My family likes to eat biscuits sometimes, which I haven't actually bought packaged since, oh, college probably. Making biscuits quickly, easily, and much more healthily is super easy! My guess is that a nasty-ass tube of pre-made biscuits would cost around $3. (In the barren wasteland of Gunnison at least.) Make 'em yourself: $1 or less. (Price obviously varies depending on the quality of ingredients. I use all organic ingredients, and it's still super cheap.)

Quick 'n' Easy Biscuits
1 3/4 cups flower
1/2 tsp salt
3 tsp baking powder
1 cup milk
4 to 6 tbsp butter

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Mix flour, salt, and baking powder in medium-sized bowl. Cut in butter with pastry cutter or two knives. Stir in milk. Spoon batter onto baking sheet, roll a little to shape if desired. Bake approximately 15 minutes.

At the homestead: If you have the space, a vegetable garden is a huge way to save and eat organic. I started gardening three years ago. I have had crazy, crack-like gardens each year. (I think it's the llama poop.) We plant potatoes, kale, carrots, broccoli, romaine, spinach, radishes, beets, tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash and rainbow chard.  A lot of it I was able to freeze this year, so we'll be eating kale, zucchini, squash, and chard all winter. Can't beat that!

And, while you're doing all this saving, you MUST drink wine, right? Buy boxed wine, it is much cheaper and lasts a heck of a lot longer (up to three weeks in the refrigerator). The affordable pinot noir I like, Pinot Evil, is $9 a bottle. But, if you buy it in the box, it's  $16 for four bottles! Now that's a deal. There are even organic boxed wines out there too.

These are really simple things to do, which most people probably already enjoy. If not, hopefully one or two things can help out with your budget. If others come to mind, I'll let ya know. And if you have any money-saving tips...shoot 'em my way. I could always use a few extra bucks!

Oh, and one more thing, BREASTFEED. It's free. It's the absolute best thing for your child.

What else can you get into?

No doubt, you've all heard the term "terrible twos."

Before I had a two-year-old I thought, geez what a bad tag to brand your precious little bundle.

Now I think the term should be "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad two." That's much more fitting for my precious little bundle.

Some kids are mellow, quiet and shy and do what mommy asks of them. They play in their room quietly without making a mess, pick up their toys, and stop when mom says stop.

Other children, like mine, get into absolutely everything and cannot do a single thing without coming close to bringing the house down.

I turn my back for two seconds and Prestyn chews and swallows three pieces of gum she dug out of my purse, opens the fridge and gets some chocolate syrup to accompany the gum in her belly, then colors the side of our house with sidewalk chalk. "Really?" you might ask. Yes, really, all in a matter of minutes.

How am I supposed to fold the laundry and do the dishes when I can't keep her out of trouble for two seconds? If you've ever visited the Nelson abode you now know why its appearance is always slightly lacking.

Last week, she came in from playing in the yard to ask me, "Momma, what's this." To my un-astonishment, I see her holding a moldy dog turd in her bare hand.

She knew very well what it was.

Some days I think my hair could very well turn gray and fall out, at the same time. Then I wonder what we were thinking when we decided to do it all again.

I hope that this time around I get a child with blonde or brown hair, as opposed to fiery red, with my slightly more mellow temperament, instead of my husband's crazy, off-the-wall attitude. (I'm sure I was no angel at this age, but I know for a fact that Lars was a little devil.)

We shall see, we shall see. Keep your fingers crossed for me, my sanity, and my house.

"Trust me mom, I don't need pants. There's only

a little bit of snow left. The turds will keep me warm."

45 MPH Breeze

Every spring I forget about wind. And mud.

Come late February I'm usually pining for 40 degree mid-afternoon sunshine. That's all it takes these days, the red line reaches 39 degrees and I slide into my sandals and head for the porch with a book in one hand, cocktail in the other.

Typically I get two weeks of days like that in late march, which go as fast as they appear. When I've finally gotten rid of the winter ghostliness, and a slight tan appears on my pale self, the days are gone.

You're probably thinking, well it can only get warmer from there, right? Wrong. Spring peaks out from the turd-dotted snowbanks only to bring a pleasant dose of mud and wind. Oh, mud and wind, how we've missed you.

This year, we're one step ahead of the game on the home mud factor. We graveled our dust bowl of a backyard last fall, only one day before the first snowstorm. Lars hauled, by hand, 32 tons of gravel. He suffocated the sparse grass blades that resembled the chest of a 90-year old man. And the stout weeds, gone, in one afternoon. A miracle, really.

So I don't have a lot to complain about when it comes to mud right now. I just try to step around it in town, and back off the trail until it hardens. (But, when you're dying to get out and just go for a hike, it's infuriating.)

Today, the "breeze" that was predicted blew open my double-paned doggie door causing every other door in the house to creek open slightly then slam shut.  WIND should have been the forecast.

Last year, the wind continued to roar for three whole months. TORTURE! The temperature was nice, but the wind was enough to blow the roof right off your house.

I'm hoping that this year we only have a month of wind, but I'm sure Mother Nature has something else in mind.

Puddles, porcelain and pointers

I recently took a blog sabbatical, not because my blogging became too cumbersome, but because my brain turned to mush (think mashed bananas) and not a single creative thought crossed my mind for more than two months.

A glimmer of creativity might, yes might, have returned. The sight of puddles on the sidewalk just gave me hope that winter WILL end, and spring could be just around the corner.

In most U.S. towns, winter lasts four, maybe five months. In the high altitude desert we call home, winter sometimes pushes more than 60% of the year, with two full months of subzero temperatures. After reading a Weather Channel article entitled America's Top 5 Coldest Cities, I was stunned that Gunnison ranked second, losing to Barrow, AK. (Who really considers the Arctic Circle part of the U.S. - no offense Alaska, but I don't think you're playing fair.)

Typically, I love winter. Cross-country skiing, snowboarding, hut trips and snowy hot spring soaks make winter one of the most pleasurable times of the year. This is the second winter in 11 long years that I have despised. The first was the winter of 2007/2008, when I was pregnant with Prestyn. And this year because, yes, once again I'm pregnant.

Normally that shouldn't matter too much. But when all you long to do is make fresh turns in tight trees then hit the lodge for a hot cocktail, pregnancy is there to ruin it! No turns, no long soaks or hot buttered rum. Just constant nausea and countless hours wasted with my head in a barf-splattered toilet bowl.

The stereotypical picture of pregnancy is a woman 40 pounds overweight dipping pickles in a gallon of Rocky Road.

It isn't that magnificent for all women, trust me. I typically lose weight from barfing nonstop for months on end. I've never been thinner! But, when sheer exhaustion and rapid weight loss run together, all you get are two flabby, saggy ass cheeks. I bet the last time I weighed this much, or little, I was 14. And my ass was no doubt perky.

While I try to eat as many calories as possible - I just drank a milk shake, and it's 20 degrees outside - I hope that some of my brain cells will return soon. Last week I cut 13 inches off my hair, and the weight lifted allowed more oxygen to flow to my scalp, thus stimulating my brain to blog. Although the pregnancy stupor will probably last another year or so, here's to hoping that I won't regress past the fifth grade mentality I'm at now.

Friends, please keep your toilet clean in case I come over for a visit.



Pointers: Lessons I've Learned the Hard Way

Best thing to regurgitate: Cinnamon rolls - taste the same coming up as it does going down

Worst thing to regurgitate: Grapefruit or apples - not only does it scorch the esophagus, it makes a hell of a splash (it can't be healthy to get toilet water in your eyes and mouth, even though some of it was previously in your stomach)

Avoid altogether: Vomiting in public restrooms - hey, at home it's your own toilet water in your eyes, no biggie.

Manifesting Spring! Come on, do it with me.

Love, Liquor and Lubricant

It's been a long week here in the Nelson abode.

Today, the urge to make a hot buttered rum came much too early.  Luckily Prestyn ate the last of the butter right off the counter this morning. So, I was shit-out-of-luck.

For the past few months my dogs have been passing a lovely case of campylobacter back and forth with Prestyn. It's tits. (When you're walkin' down the hall, and you feel something fall: Diarrhea, diarrhea.) My hands are cracked and bleeding from washing them 23,984,732,984,737 times a day.

I called the doctor, for the third embarrassing time, to get another Z-pack to cure the chronic Nelson runs. Somehow, I have evaded the bacteria....but no one else has. (I must be the only one not eating fecal matter.) Bracing myself for a scathing lecture on cleanliness, I was surprised to hear that they would just refill her prescription one more time. Whew!

Unfortunately the doggy meds won't be so easy. I explained to the receptionist my recurring poopy problem, now certain it was starting with the dogs. "The doctor will want to see them." CHA-CHING was all I heard. I know that if I had spoken directly with the vet he probably would have just given me the rx, but of course he's on vacation. The nerve.

In my mind, a $322.98 stool sample confirming campylobacter from the local hospital should be enough to get a quick shot of antibiotics for pooches. Seems that's not the case. So they'll be soiling the yard four times a day for the remainder of the weekend.

Along with persistent squirts, we've been teething here for...oh...a good 2 years now. Will it ever end? Are there really teeth down in there? Will she really get every poop and pee in the potty? Will she stop getting into everything?

Highlight of the Week: Found Prestyn on the far side of our bed, chewing on a condom and covered in KY. Really? She thought it was HA-larious. To boot, I couldn't catch the booger because she was covered in lubricant and kept slipping through my grip. This began a good 20-minute, slimy chase. Eventually, I caught her and cleaned the lube off. When I got in bed that night, Lars looked at me and asked what was all over my pants, "Looks like splooge," he chuckled.  Pretty much...

Will I ever get my sanity back???

I know that she won't be two forever (thank god!).  If that were the case, humans would be extinct. Like many other animals, they would probably eat their young soon after birth.

Easy Things You Can Do to Save the Planet while Saving $

Over the years I have developed some habits that I am proud of (and others I am not, of course, which I will be keeping to myself).

In a world with an ever-changing climate, it's important for everyone to take steps to save our precious resources. I want my children, their children, and grandchildren to enjoy the same mountainous beauty I enjoy right now.  (And, I want it to snow, dammit! It's Dec. 4th, 40 degrees and barely any snow left on the ground....that ain't right!)

Below are five things you can do at home to make a difference for our future. These are easy things I've been doing for years now, and I enjoy the simplicity of each conserving task. The best part is, they will save you money! (Disclaimer: They are things most of you may already be implementing, but if not, it's food for thought.)

These days, all products we buy come in some serious packaging. When you buy things like yogurt, cottage cheese, or sour cream, don't throw the containers away - reuse them! I know in many places they can be recycled, unfortunately I don't have that option here in my high-altitude mountain paradise. So, I am never short on tupperware. Actually, Lars is always frustrated digging through our tupperware drawer because it is stuffed so full it barely closes. If you love sharing your creations, but hate giving away your prize piece of tupperware, this is the perfect solution. And, instead of using plastic baggies in your lunches, you can use these instead. You will save money on baggies and feel good about it!

On the same lines, bread bags are very versatile. I save mine and use them to store open packages of bacon, or spinach and greens from my garden. Brown-bag lunches could become bread-bag lunches. (Since we're in the bread aisle... Not into heels? Don't throw them away! Dry them out and make homemade breadcrumbs in your blender or food processor.)

In our society, cloth napkins have been packed away and only brought out for special occasions. Not in my house! We only use cloth napkins, and it's a nice luxury. We probably use, at the most, six rolls of paper towels a year. (How many do you use?) For cleaning up messes, napkins and dish cloths work much better than paper towels. You have to do laundry anyway right?

My husband is notorious for having three or four water glasses out at a time. On my daily round up, I gather all the water glasses and use them to water my houseplants instead of just pouring it down the sink. That, obviously, saves precious water and lowers bills at the same time. Can't beat that!

The final item, which may be harder for some people to implement than others, is composting. All those food scraps (no meat or dairy items) can make great fertilizer for your garden and lawn...for free! It also saves room in your garbage can (and the landfill) which can also keep more hard-earned money in your pocket.

If we all work together, we CAN make a difference to help Mother Earth!

Children: Proven to Gray Hair Faster than the Leading Brand

Every day is an adventure. I love it, don't get me wrong. But some days I think I may end up prematurely gray, or, heaven forbid, totally bald. It's a definite possibility at this point, and I wouldn't be surprised if one, or both, occur.

Some days Prestyn knows how to make the hair turn gray and fall out quickly. 

Today has been one of those days. (It's 2 p.m. and I already have a hazelnut hot chocolate - great for the hips, bad for the liver.)

Pretty much every day, after several cups of coffee, I need some alone time. You do too.

Today, during said time, Prestyn managed to get Lars' Sudafed off the counter and somehow pop six pills out. I found her with the metallic, plastic case on her bed, lips red with satisfaction. I panicked, as any mother would. I asked her how many she ate, as I counted the barren plastic discs.  Her response, "One, two, three, five, six."

Exactly that many clear, plastic holes were in the packet. Six or seven hairs fell out just then, and 12 went gray. Good thing I'm blonde.

I ran to find the rest of the box, and to my great relief I found six, slimy half-red tablets on the counter. Eight new, happy hairs popped out.

Apparently, once she got past the red coating, the tablets were no longer candy-like. The day prior, my friend Laura had given Prestyn a tiny red M&M to seduce her out of the car. 

Thank you McNeil Consumer Healthcare, for not making your pills taste totally like candy. But, PLEASE make a child-proof package!

Within the next few days, we plan to install a locking bathroom cabinet. Oh the wonders of the modern world...with deadly poison comes the ever-important child lock.

I know this will not be the last scare. I anxiously await many exciting days to come...before I turn gray and bald.