Puddles, porcelain and pointers

I recently took a blog sabbatical, not because my blogging became too cumbersome, but because my brain turned to mush (think mashed bananas) and not a single creative thought crossed my mind for more than two months.

A glimmer of creativity might, yes might, have returned. The sight of puddles on the sidewalk just gave me hope that winter WILL end, and spring could be just around the corner.

In most U.S. towns, winter lasts four, maybe five months. In the high altitude desert we call home, winter sometimes pushes more than 60% of the year, with two full months of subzero temperatures. After reading a Weather Channel article entitled America's Top 5 Coldest Cities, I was stunned that Gunnison ranked second, losing to Barrow, AK. (Who really considers the Arctic Circle part of the U.S. - no offense Alaska, but I don't think you're playing fair.)

Typically, I love winter. Cross-country skiing, snowboarding, hut trips and snowy hot spring soaks make winter one of the most pleasurable times of the year. This is the second winter in 11 long years that I have despised. The first was the winter of 2007/2008, when I was pregnant with Prestyn. And this year because, yes, once again I'm pregnant.

Normally that shouldn't matter too much. But when all you long to do is make fresh turns in tight trees then hit the lodge for a hot cocktail, pregnancy is there to ruin it! No turns, no long soaks or hot buttered rum. Just constant nausea and countless hours wasted with my head in a barf-splattered toilet bowl.

The stereotypical picture of pregnancy is a woman 40 pounds overweight dipping pickles in a gallon of Rocky Road.

It isn't that magnificent for all women, trust me. I typically lose weight from barfing nonstop for months on end. I've never been thinner! But, when sheer exhaustion and rapid weight loss run together, all you get are two flabby, saggy ass cheeks. I bet the last time I weighed this much, or little, I was 14. And my ass was no doubt perky.

While I try to eat as many calories as possible - I just drank a milk shake, and it's 20 degrees outside - I hope that some of my brain cells will return soon. Last week I cut 13 inches off my hair, and the weight lifted allowed more oxygen to flow to my scalp, thus stimulating my brain to blog. Although the pregnancy stupor will probably last another year or so, here's to hoping that I won't regress past the fifth grade mentality I'm at now.

Friends, please keep your toilet clean in case I come over for a visit.



Pointers: Lessons I've Learned the Hard Way

Best thing to regurgitate: Cinnamon rolls - taste the same coming up as it does going down

Worst thing to regurgitate: Grapefruit or apples - not only does it scorch the esophagus, it makes a hell of a splash (it can't be healthy to get toilet water in your eyes and mouth, even though some of it was previously in your stomach)

Avoid altogether: Vomiting in public restrooms - hey, at home it's your own toilet water in your eyes, no biggie.

Manifesting Spring! Come on, do it with me.

Love, Liquor and Lubricant

It's been a long week here in the Nelson abode.

Today, the urge to make a hot buttered rum came much too early.  Luckily Prestyn ate the last of the butter right off the counter this morning. So, I was shit-out-of-luck.

For the past few months my dogs have been passing a lovely case of campylobacter back and forth with Prestyn. It's tits. (When you're walkin' down the hall, and you feel something fall: Diarrhea, diarrhea.) My hands are cracked and bleeding from washing them 23,984,732,984,737 times a day.

I called the doctor, for the third embarrassing time, to get another Z-pack to cure the chronic Nelson runs. Somehow, I have evaded the bacteria....but no one else has. (I must be the only one not eating fecal matter.) Bracing myself for a scathing lecture on cleanliness, I was surprised to hear that they would just refill her prescription one more time. Whew!

Unfortunately the doggy meds won't be so easy. I explained to the receptionist my recurring poopy problem, now certain it was starting with the dogs. "The doctor will want to see them." CHA-CHING was all I heard. I know that if I had spoken directly with the vet he probably would have just given me the rx, but of course he's on vacation. The nerve.

In my mind, a $322.98 stool sample confirming campylobacter from the local hospital should be enough to get a quick shot of antibiotics for pooches. Seems that's not the case. So they'll be soiling the yard four times a day for the remainder of the weekend.

Along with persistent squirts, we've been teething here for...oh...a good 2 years now. Will it ever end? Are there really teeth down in there? Will she really get every poop and pee in the potty? Will she stop getting into everything?

Highlight of the Week: Found Prestyn on the far side of our bed, chewing on a condom and covered in KY. Really? She thought it was HA-larious. To boot, I couldn't catch the booger because she was covered in lubricant and kept slipping through my grip. This began a good 20-minute, slimy chase. Eventually, I caught her and cleaned the lube off. When I got in bed that night, Lars looked at me and asked what was all over my pants, "Looks like splooge," he chuckled.  Pretty much...

Will I ever get my sanity back???

I know that she won't be two forever (thank god!).  If that were the case, humans would be extinct. Like many other animals, they would probably eat their young soon after birth.

Easy Things You Can Do to Save the Planet while Saving $

Over the years I have developed some habits that I am proud of (and others I am not, of course, which I will be keeping to myself).

In a world with an ever-changing climate, it's important for everyone to take steps to save our precious resources. I want my children, their children, and grandchildren to enjoy the same mountainous beauty I enjoy right now.  (And, I want it to snow, dammit! It's Dec. 4th, 40 degrees and barely any snow left on the ground....that ain't right!)

Below are five things you can do at home to make a difference for our future. These are easy things I've been doing for years now, and I enjoy the simplicity of each conserving task. The best part is, they will save you money! (Disclaimer: They are things most of you may already be implementing, but if not, it's food for thought.)

These days, all products we buy come in some serious packaging. When you buy things like yogurt, cottage cheese, or sour cream, don't throw the containers away - reuse them! I know in many places they can be recycled, unfortunately I don't have that option here in my high-altitude mountain paradise. So, I am never short on tupperware. Actually, Lars is always frustrated digging through our tupperware drawer because it is stuffed so full it barely closes. If you love sharing your creations, but hate giving away your prize piece of tupperware, this is the perfect solution. And, instead of using plastic baggies in your lunches, you can use these instead. You will save money on baggies and feel good about it!

On the same lines, bread bags are very versatile. I save mine and use them to store open packages of bacon, or spinach and greens from my garden. Brown-bag lunches could become bread-bag lunches. (Since we're in the bread aisle... Not into heels? Don't throw them away! Dry them out and make homemade breadcrumbs in your blender or food processor.)

In our society, cloth napkins have been packed away and only brought out for special occasions. Not in my house! We only use cloth napkins, and it's a nice luxury. We probably use, at the most, six rolls of paper towels a year. (How many do you use?) For cleaning up messes, napkins and dish cloths work much better than paper towels. You have to do laundry anyway right?

My husband is notorious for having three or four water glasses out at a time. On my daily round up, I gather all the water glasses and use them to water my houseplants instead of just pouring it down the sink. That, obviously, saves precious water and lowers bills at the same time. Can't beat that!

The final item, which may be harder for some people to implement than others, is composting. All those food scraps (no meat or dairy items) can make great fertilizer for your garden and lawn...for free! It also saves room in your garbage can (and the landfill) which can also keep more hard-earned money in your pocket.

If we all work together, we CAN make a difference to help Mother Earth!

Children: Proven to Gray Hair Faster than the Leading Brand

Every day is an adventure. I love it, don't get me wrong. But some days I think I may end up prematurely gray, or, heaven forbid, totally bald. It's a definite possibility at this point, and I wouldn't be surprised if one, or both, occur.

Some days Prestyn knows how to make the hair turn gray and fall out quickly. 

Today has been one of those days. (It's 2 p.m. and I already have a hazelnut hot chocolate - great for the hips, bad for the liver.)

Pretty much every day, after several cups of coffee, I need some alone time. You do too.

Today, during said time, Prestyn managed to get Lars' Sudafed off the counter and somehow pop six pills out. I found her with the metallic, plastic case on her bed, lips red with satisfaction. I panicked, as any mother would. I asked her how many she ate, as I counted the barren plastic discs.  Her response, "One, two, three, five, six."

Exactly that many clear, plastic holes were in the packet. Six or seven hairs fell out just then, and 12 went gray. Good thing I'm blonde.

I ran to find the rest of the box, and to my great relief I found six, slimy half-red tablets on the counter. Eight new, happy hairs popped out.

Apparently, once she got past the red coating, the tablets were no longer candy-like. The day prior, my friend Laura had given Prestyn a tiny red M&M to seduce her out of the car. 

Thank you McNeil Consumer Healthcare, for not making your pills taste totally like candy. But, PLEASE make a child-proof package!

Within the next few days, we plan to install a locking bathroom cabinet. Oh the wonders of the modern world...with deadly poison comes the ever-important child lock.

I know this will not be the last scare. I anxiously await many exciting days to come...before I turn gray and bald.

Taming the Grinch within

I have always despised Christmas music, as long as I can remember. I assume, though, that when I was a little kid I liked it.  I do like Christmas, just not the music that accompanies the holiday.

My mother played constant Christmas music, from the day after Thanksgiving clear to the New Year. I attribute my disdain for Christmas music to this inundation. Sorry Mom, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it's true. The sound sends irritation up my spine.

I once worked in a retail store in downtown Gunnison called Blue Addiction. Along with every other retailer in the U.S., Christmas music was mandatory torture for at least three weeks out of the year. The owner, Susan, allowed me to bring in instrumental music to play thinking that was Christmas-y enough. Good ol' Garcia & Grisman for the holidays. Thank the Buddha for that!

Today, being the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I decided it was time to set up the Christmas tree - for the second year in a row! Having a two-year-old makes it hard to Ba-humbug to the fullest. As soon as I set it up she said, "It's Christmas, Santa's coming." That, for some reason, kinda made me want to play Christmas music....I quickly snapped out of it...and found the Garcia & Grisman.

We have a very small house, so a small tree is all we need. My husband acquired the perfect tree for us - during his bachelorism ironically. It's about 6 feet tall, plastic, very dusty, and came equipped with its very own African American Santa. That's my favorite part of Christmas these days - my black Santa.

While I was erecting our tree, Lars piped in with some constructive criticism. He said I had put too many ornaments on the tree. I stood back and thought, What am I going to do with all of them then? He suggested we hang a few blue sparkly ones from our blue lights on the porch. Good idea...and I will get to that later this week...maybe.

I still wonder though, can there be too many blue balls in the world?

Cheese, toilet rags and holidays

Fortunately Monday only continued into part of Wednesday.

Being the day before Thanksgiving, my task list was longer and more daunting than usual. Of course, I didn't get everything I needed for our feast on Monday so I had to return to the store...this visit was more pleasant that the previous one.

While I was warming the truck up to go to the store, Prestyn was up to mischief in the kitchen. We recently installed a child lock on the refrigerator after a raw chicken incident. Luckily, only an estimated 5% of chicken is contaminated with Salmonella.

Apparently I had not slipped the baby belt lock into place on the fridge. Prestyn greeted me at the door with a big smile, "Momma, Tanner's eating the dip!" Immediately I knew she had served up the fresh goat cheese I had just made to our 10-year-old pig-dog. Sure enough, there he was, eating my precious goat cheese right out of the tupperware, without baguette!

Not a big deal, but I wish I could get those two hours of cheese making back!

Naptime, for me, is sacred. My only time to regain adult sanity. And prepare whatever food I plan to eat that night. Lately, 30-minute naps have been popular. Fortunately, Prestyn saw my list of things to do today and decided to sleep for two hours. Hallelujah!

Cleaning the bathroom was one of the last things on my list. I like to get elbow-deep in the bowl, then take a nice, hot, sanitizing shower.

Being a conservationist, I have a hard time using paper products and pitching them (other than TP of course...love to throw that away). I typically clean the bathroom using two rags, one for the counters and tub, and one for the floor and toilet. Then I sanitize the rags for reuse. In the meantime, they reside in the slop sink.

When Prestyn woke up, she ran straight for the back room which has recently been opened for her to explore. Not sure if it's a good decision or not, but it is what it is.

She played with the dogs for a while, then said, "I'm cleaning Mommy!" What a good little helper.

Then I realized I didn't know where she got the rag. I ran to the slop sink to find it empty.

My filing cabinet is now feces clean, yeah that's right, feces clean. I know you wish you had that kind of clean in your house for the holidays!

Happy Thanksgiving, from all of us in Pooh-ville.

P.S. If anyone needs help cleaning their house, I have just the girl for you.

A case of the Muh-ndays all week long

Ever had a Monday that drug into Tuesday? I'm really hoping this week's Monday doesn't continue all the way into Wednesday.

Usually a struggle for me, Mondays seem to go quickly, but are always painful. Sunday night the fridge is a barren wasteland, toys are strewn about the floor and dirty clothes peak like Everest in the hamper. Monday is grocery-getting, balance-the-checkbooks, clean-up-the-house-from-the-tornado-that-blew-through-over-the-weekend day.  Jam-packed with chores, they are often unpleasant. The smallest irritant quickly sends an urge to my over-burdened  brain to rip out some blond locks.

This week the grocery store adventure couldn't end soon enough. By the time we reached the register, a box of waffles was open, the grapes were half-eaten, the milk carton handle was so chewed I thought milk would spurt out at any second like the overfull breast of a new mother.

But, before I could even go to the store, I needed to get some weight in the bed of my two-wheel-drive truck. My concerned husband called to let me know I needed to head to the lumber yard for some sand bags because the roads were slick. Being very frugal by nature, which I inherited from my stingy grandmother (god rest her soul), I thought, "Really, I have to spend $30 to even drive to the store to spend another $150. That just ain't right."

The previous week, we spent a small fortune on gravel to xeriscape our minefield of a backyard. (No people, it's NOT zero-scape, google it.)  Like the ghost of Christmas past, my grandmother appeared, "You've got a thousand sandbags in your yard!"

Unable to find suitable buckets, I grabbed an old dog food tupperware, a cooler that was on its last leg anyway, and a small trashcan and began shoveling away. Realizing I couldn't carry 500 pounds of rocks myself, I utilized the Radio Flyer ATW (yeah, that's right, All Terrain Wagon) to move the rock receptacles to my truck.

After all that, I was still sliding around town. But hey, at least I looked cool with a cooler full of rocks!

Monday continued into Tuesday with 3 pairs of poopy undies, a 30 minute nap, and a deliriously annoying two-year old.

I'm hoping for sanity tomorrow....